i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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