My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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