why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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