I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
