all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize