May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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