I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
