well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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