I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
