who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I need a hoe opinion
go on
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
