I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
