my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I supernannyed him into submission
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
