I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
