just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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