i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
