I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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