Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
