I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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