I wish my penis had an off switch
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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