Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
