I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
