Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
