6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
