We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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