Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
