her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
