I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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