there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
