You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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