I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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