Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
