'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
