I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think I sprained my soul last night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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