The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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