Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
