dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
