I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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