just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
