I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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