some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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