I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
