i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize