Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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