Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
