remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
