Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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