I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize