Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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