it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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