I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
MIDGETS
????
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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