I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
