ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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