May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
