How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
