you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
