I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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