I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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