I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
