I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize