I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
