Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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