I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize