I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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