she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
