How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
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